the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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