Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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