I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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