and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
