I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
