yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
