i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
