So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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