I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
