You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
