the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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