dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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