I faked an abortion last night.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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