I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
