Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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