I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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