god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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