I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
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Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize