Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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