My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
