i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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