so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
