apparently the secret to your success is patron
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
