Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
