You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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