How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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