yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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