it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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