He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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