they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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