I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
