Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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