You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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