My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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