you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
