now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
