I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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