He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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