if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
