Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
