the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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