i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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