He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
