I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
