This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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