I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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