He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
