my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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