did you get engaged???
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
