No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
