Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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