Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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