dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
