He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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