I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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