bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
