i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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